Finding ro, #1: Some people are just assholes
...how do we make peace with that?
Art by @seongryul
People are the way they are for a reason, and we don’t know what shaped them into becoming who they are. It’s not as simple as categorizing some people as good and some as bad; the human experience is way too complex.
I’ve had bad days where I’ve been been impatient with the cashier, where I haven’t had enough energy to give a smile back to a neighbor, where I’ve been too stressed to hold the door open for someone else. It happens to all of us, and that’s ok!
Some people are just consistently assholes, though.
At times, I’ve had difficulty accepting that, and I don’t know that I’ll ever fully make peace with the fact that some people seem to deliberately choose rudeness over kindness. But I also know that, by letting it get to me, I’ll never find ro.
A recent example regards my neighbor. She’s a bit older, has shoulder long silver hair, and I’ve never seen her with grocery bags, until two days ago.
Our story goes back about a year. I’ve encountered her at least once a week since then, and never, not once, has she been the one to initiate a smile or to greet me.
Yet, almost every single time I’ve seen her, I’ve given that to her, both a “hello” and a smile, and I’ve gotten about a 40 % response rate from her. Not very enthusiastically, may I add, it’s barely been a “hi”, and definitely no smile.
The other 60 % of the time, she’ll just outright ignore me.
Back to the other day, when I saw her carrying groceries inside as I was out walking my puppy.
It was cold and windy, so I figured I’d offer to help her. Before I got the chance, she turned towards be and told me off, told me I should “go away and not walk my dog here, because she doesn’t want them peeing and pooping in the area”.
I always, without exception, pick up after my dog. I was stunned for a moment.
She gave me a loud sigh and mumbled something to herself. I decided I wanted to say something.
“You know, life’s too short to not be nice. You know you can be friendly with your neighbors, right?”.
She ignored me, sort of like she’s been doing for the past year, and walked inside.
Perhaps I’m in the wrong for continuing to greet her despite not getting anything back; perhaps she just wants to be left alone and I should’ve respected that. I guess I should’ve taken the hint a long time ago.
After all, being friendly just because you're a neighbor isn't a prerequisite. But being unfriendly? That, I believe, makes you an asshole.
And the lesson?
This isn’t who-ville. In the real world, not everyone wants to be nice to you, learn to make peace with it, finally. You don’t need to understand someone to make peace with their actions.
Speaking to someone, who doesn't want or desire to respond, only aggravates the situation. Many feel that the 'smiler' is trying to invade their space by FORCING themselves on someone else.
Why waste your energy, emotional sunshine, positivity on someone, who doesn't want it. There are plenty of other people out there. You're not her priest/pastor, counsellor, therapist. There is an old saying, väck inte den björn som sover [Let sleeping dogs lie].
I think some of us old folks just get tired of little meets, smiles and all that. We been doing it for along time. Maybe she figures her pot is full of people and “you young lady don’t know squat of realities of life”. I hear that from old curmudgeon’s a lot. There’s a great little book about some of the most famous curmudgeon’s in the world. I’m a stoner curmudgeon, my family says. So I understand her point of view actually. Once I worked after college for a bunch of Curmudgeon’s and I was warned to stop coming to work so happy/stoned, I wasn’t even allowed to speak to them, even if they spoke to me. You should ask for her advice. She may open up if she thinks you need her help, people do that. It’s just a slight lie perhaps but worth it if you become buddies. But do you want her as a buddy.…..LoL